Thinking about the what ifs?

Updated: Sep 28, 2021

I am a worrier. Honestly, I am sure 2020 has triggered all of our inner worriers. Then again, 2020 has also allowed us to slow down... realize that damn, if the world is going to end you might as well spend your time happy. Priorities change every year. Realizations of yourself and your goals change as well. I say this because it has been only recent that I have felt a new turn in perspective on breast cancer and how it has affected my life.

Like I had mentioned in my previous blogs, avoidance was my specialty as a kid. I went to school and forgot all about my home life. Not to say that my home life as a child was horrible, actually, it was the opposite. It was full of love from my grandparents, aunt, uncle, sister, and my Dad. I remember making homemade pizza and bread, organic carrot juice (...yuck!), and cooking Chinese meals every week with my family. It was not these moments that I disliked, it was the moments of sadness in between when seeing my Mom so sick and unable to participate.

As I got older, expectedly, I thought more. Thoughts were more intricate, deep, and more conscious. Of course that came with a lot of worrying about the future... When will I die? How will I die? Will I get breast cancer? One of the deepest "what ifs" I thought about was: Would Mom have survived if my sister and I gave her more support? I think about this every so often, even to this day. Being a healthcare worker, you learn that family support is of utmost importance in dealing with illness. That unconditional love is needed mentally, physically, and emotionally through the tough times. Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt that I was not able to connect with my Mother in that way, especially when she needed it. From what I can remember, I was never really told the full story of what happened to my Mom. Whether that was to protect me or because I was simply just a kid who wouldn't fully understand, there is no blame on anybody's shoulder. Although there was no direct conversation, I can tell you... I understood the gist of what was going on.

This year of 2020 has opened my eyes to living in the present, as this was something I really did not practice prior. One thing I have learned from Jhon as well as my Dad is that we must not dwell on the what ifs. Rather, take initiative to plan ahead if it does happen. Live in the present and embrace what's around you now. There will never be an answer to that very question I ponder many times over. And for that, let the past be in the past.

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